Dear Juliette,
It is raining outside. I am locked up in my prison cell thinking of you. You don’t love me anymore, it is obvious. You didn’t even reply to my last message, while I poured my heart out to you. To think how much I’ve loved you, and love you still is kind of crazy. I didn’t mind the kilometers I walked toward you, fully knowing I was the only one walking.
Juliette, but you loved me someday in the past, didn’t you?
And then I broke your heart when I left. I know, I am one to blame, but don’t you dare put all the blame on me. I am just a man. Not to excuse myself, no!
But to us men, love isn’t always strength. It is mostly a weakness. Now, when I look back on the day, I remember myself sitting and waiting for your call, for a simple message from you.
You have to know Juliette, for a man of my reputation, waiting for someone’s call means that the end is near. And I wasn’t ready to kill my old self when you weren’t even mine. Maybe if you were fully mine, and not loving some other random man at the same time, I would have been bored of you. I would have forgotten your birthday, the date we met, and just like all the other men, I would have been tired of you and your jealousy. But because I left, like a coward, I can never stop thinking about our “What if…”.
What would have happened if I had the courage to fall for you? If I wasn’t afraid of being hurt? Maybe you would have let him go and come with me…
I hate calendars, but especially the date 21, I want to tear it apart and destroy it. It was the day you became a mother Juliette. You birthed another man’s baby and I couldn’t stop myself from getting drunk. You, my beautiful Juliette, the love of my life, the soul of my soul, the light of my days, now you were holding the love of your life, the soul of your soul, in your own hands.
Oh, and I wanted to die for those hands! I was already a dead man, even though I was still breathing. I hated that date, Juliette, I hated it. It is permanently blacked out on my calendar, but at the same time, I prayed your baby was okay.
Can I tell you a secret Juliette?
I wanted to have a daughter with you. The night we made love for the last time, and I released myself inside you, low-key I hoped you were pregnant. I know I gave you a good scare, but I promise, I would have shown up for both of you if it was true. I wanted a daughter with your lips and my eyes. A little “us” that could call you “mommy“.
You always liked being one but I know I wasn’t fond of the idea. Maybe because I always think I have nothing good to pass on to my kids. But here I am Juliette. Without a baby. And without you. Another man kisses your lips, and when I think of it, I want to break everything around me. But I am in a prison cell and the only thing I can break is my own heart.
Did I push you toward him?
Oh my love, tell me. Kill me one more time. Tell me that my cowardice, that my childish actions pushed you closer to him. Tell me so I can poison my heart tonight.
I am locked up, and like any other man, I can say this isn’t my proudest moment. Chances are, if you came to me now, I would have pushed you away. I am weak, my legs are weak, my eyes are darker, I am losing weight but my soul is still strong.
Juliette, losing you, has been the hardest event of my life that I had to recover from. And while I am never gonna be the same again, you are my hope. If I am still alive after you stopped loving me, I can survive these prison times.
Juliette, it is raining outside. Heavy skies are all over the place. How does your sky look now? Is your baby running around? Is your husband kissing the floor you walk on? Do you like the same whiskey still? Or you left it in your past, together with me? I wish I could drink from the same glass, so I could kiss your lips from a distance. Give me the glass or crush it on the floor like my heart and watch it shatter.
You don’t love me anymore Juliette, you don’t love me anymore!
And like a lunatic, I can’t accept it yet. I hope I am in a nightmare, and when I wake up, you’re next to me. We are in our home and our daughter is playing in the garden. Your brother is coming over and we’re having a barbeque. Our families love each other, and we are happy. You take the glass of wine and walk outside, and I follow with the cigars. We dance slowly and I kiss you. I kiss your lips and your neck, and our daughter shouts “Look daddy kissed mommy. He loves her!” And I love you, it’s true! There has never been a bigger love than this in this world.
But my tears stream down my face now, I am a man crying like an infant, because I lost the love of my life, to another man. To an average man, who I am sure can love you better, but never more than me.
I broke your heart, Juliette, I broke my soul and I can’t ask you to love me back. But please forgive me, Juliette! Please forgive me for breaking us. Forgive me!
That’s all my soul asks. But if you could love me one more time, to save me from myself, while it is still dark and raining… Please do!
Forever yours!
©fiordalipi
