I would have loved you a little bit more. A little bit stronger…
If I knew that it would be our last time together, when we were laughing like two kids, I would have kissed you longer. I would have hugged you tighter.
It’s been many years since you and I were dancing in the kitchen, under the melody of “Say you won’t let go” – an anthem of love to me.
It’s been many years since you and I were laying down on the shower, with the water falling on our naked skin, and pretended we were in a Jacuzzi. Laughing our hearts out.
It’s been many years since you woke up earlier than me to make me breakfast and give me the taste of your kisses.
It’s been many years since you and I crashed parties, danced latin on the floor like crazy, rode horses or tried new restaurants in the city.
It’s been many years since our lazy afternoons, sitting next to each other, watching How I met your mother, and thinking about the story of how we met.
It’s been many years, since you and I celebrated last Christmas. Since you and I had the last meal. Since you and I had our last laugh.
And it’s been so long, since I haven’t talked about you. But truth be told, I’ve never forgotten you. Not even for a second. Not even a bit.
Anytime I was in a latin party, I would remember the shocked face of the dancer when I asked her “Hey can you dance with my boyfriend?” and your laugh knowing that I wasn’t an average girlfriend. And today, I do very few latin parties.
And today, I don’t do Christmas anymore, because you did let go, even if we promised that day we wouldn’t. And you were so many things to me, but most of all, the calm of my storms.
“Don’t let them under your skin” – you always used to tell me, but you never taught me how to not let you under my skin. You entered so deep in my skin, reached my heart and even if you never tore it apart, because you did love me, it got damaged for life.
I haven’t received flowers on 8th of March, not the way you would sent those to me. I haven’t danced with anyone else in the kitchen because I don’t know how to anymore.
I have loved after you, but no one has ever replaced you in my heart. And no one ever, unlike you, apologized for not staying. Or for opening the door to the darkness for my soul. And after so many years, when I saw your name popping up, my heart skipped a bit.
And after so many years, I cried, for the first time since you left. And just today, I missed you more than ever.
You knew me for me, with all of my anxiety issues, my childish requests, my grumpy faces and you still loved me for all of that.
And you didn’t need to scream it, because you were always there when I needed most. You closed your eyes when I kissed your cheeks, you smiled when you saw me dancing around in your shirts and most importantly, you were there when my soul craved you.
I have often said it, that is okay to be sad for things you thought they were over, and I know what we had is over, but I am not sure if I will ever be over you. Maybe I don’t even want to be over you, because truth be told, I have never been hurt by you.
I have loved you the best I could, you did love me the best you could, and when was time to let go, we did that so gently, that it felt just like a “see you soon” instead of a “goodbye“…
And today, just like the first time we met, I will raise a glass of wine. Because sometimes, whatever starts as a wrong decision, turns out to be a blessing in your life.
And today, I will hold you in my thought a little bit longer. A little bit more. Because whether we have exchanged homes, you will always be mine.
To you, to me, to all the wrong decisions of your life … that make us feel alive!
©Fior Dalipi
