I had no idea that one day I would sit and in the middle of a crazy Monday, would start writing about you. I have 15 Skype messages, 9 Telegram text, exactly 23 e-mails but at this point I don’t care.
All I can think of is you. And your eyes. And your words. And you again.

I recently told you that you are the most consistent thing in my life and to me that is very rare to happen.
I get tired, I get bored, I wanna leave and come back but the funniest part is that I never felt like I had to go away from you.
You don’t tire me. You listen me. You tease me. You make me nervous, angry, mad, sad but most of all you make me happy.

You make my days better by just being in it. I love it when you call out my bullshit dramas, and then come back again when you notice that it really made me sad.
But I can’t stay mad at you, I could melt in your hands.
Your voice, the bass of your voice, when I hear you laugh-that laugh that I adore- it can calm oceans.
Your eyes – I could swim in there, get lost… those eyes raise in my soul the highest waves.
Your smile creates storms in my mind, I have to fight myself in order to keep myself from falling.

You are so easy to fall in love with. You are this complicated closed book- sometimes i think your pages are glued. That’s how hard is for you to open up. But here I am- stubborn and selfish – not giving up till you give me yourself.
I want everything that makes you -you. Your secrets. Your memories. Your dreams. The scars in your skin which I want to kiss exploring the stories they hide, birthmarks on your naked body that I want to slowly pass my hand over and memorise them as my favorite poem.
I want to know what keeps you awake at night, what is that movie that makes you cry, what is your favorite childhood memory.
I want the real you because you have the real me.

I never felt the need to be a better version of what I am with you. You know I am damaged, adventurous till dangerous- you yourself told me that while we were sitting in the back of the car. You looked at me and told me : You are dangerous.
And to be honest- I never wanted to be anything else. For as long as this danger makes you feel at home- out of your comfort zone- but makes you feel safe at the same time. Knowing that I have your back- in everything.

I have told you about all of my crazy ideas, all of my flaws, all of my stories and you like it. And that is what I love about you. You see me for me and you aren’t running away.
You want to get closer…

I love when you get jealous. I love when you do irony. I love when you care. I even love when you don’t. I love your Good morning and Good night texts.

At first, for many months , I tried to deny that I was catching feelings for you. I lied myself that you were just a good friend to me. But then, then one day- when we didn’t talk all day, I felt something’s missing. And there it was. I missed you.
And I knew I was damned.

Now we both know- that whatever fairytale I built on my mind(or you in yours-even if you don’t want to admit out loud) – it won’t happen.
One of my favorite shows (which you watched) has a silver line : When you have chemistry in life, all you need is the right time. But timing is a bitch!

And where I am standing now- many miles, many moons and many lives apart from you- let me tell you that I have never hated the concept of time more than this time.

When we stand in front of each-other there is a minute of silence that is followed by an “eye-to-eye” look and a half-smile. Those are the moments that I live for.
Because standing there, in the middle of everyone while they pretending to be better than they actually are, I know that you and I, are a real thing.

I want you to know that you have me. Even if you can’t.
And I have you- even if I never probably will.

But there is a moment, when I drink my morning coffee, when I buy my favorite pasta, when a song comes up and I dance half naked at home, when I sit and I wait for your “good morning” , when I see how the messages disappear from the screen(this hurts), that I know in my heart- that if timing would be different- You –
You would be the one!

Maybe, after many years, we will be sitting in a coffeeshop, far away from your home, far away from mine- and it would be just us. And we would ask “how would it have been?” …

Maybe in another life, I would be your girl. And you, you would have given me all of yourself.
And we, we would be crazy in love- crazy in life, living every moment. Kissing through the smiles. Making love on sandy bitches, green grasses and high balconies.
Dancing with your shirt in the kitchen on a sunny Sunday morning…

But in this life, in this weird life of mine , I want you to remain my biggest consistency.
I want you, without being selfish.
I love you- with whatever you give and whatever I can get.

In this life- at this time- I simply love you!

©Fior Dalipi(fiori_d)