Before I go,
Let me tell you one more time how much I dreamt of you.
Let me tell you once again how many nights I lost sleep craving your touch,
creating fake scenarios about traveling the world with you, making memories with you, drinking the nights away, dancing around, and making love on high balconies.
Before I go,
Let me tell you that I’ve searched for you in every other man that I have met,
that anytime I dreamt of love, you were always in the back of my mind, knowing that even if I couldn’t have you in my life, I already have you in my heart.
Before I go,
Let me tell you how many playlists I have named under your name,
how many saved posts do I have under “Hotels I wanna go with you” on my Instagram,
how many dresses I have bought, you know, just to have them ready for our next date…
Before I go,
Let me tell you that I have saved untouched all of our memories, your shirts, our pictures, your perfume, even the note you sent me two years ago with flowers on my birthday.
I have thousands of pictures that live with me.
Before I go,
Let me tell you how many tears I have cried for you. Knowing that I couldn’t change the outcome of our story, and yet fooling myself that this was how it was meant to be. Fooling myself that also you didn’t have how to manage it differently, but deep down you wanted to.
Before I go,
Let me remind you of all our fights and hurtful words that probably killed us more than the story itself. Let me remind you of the nasty taste of the truth. And let me remind you of the car rides, the cocktail dates, the fancy dates, walking on the streets holding hands, laughing, and dancing until the early morning hours.
Before I go,
Let me love you one more time, for exactly who you are. Without masks, without the money, without the luxury, without the hyperbolized idea of who you might be. Because I accepted you for who you really are. I still can see right through you.
Before I go,
Let me remind you one more time of my love. How my kiss tastes when mixed with tears and alcohol. How I make love like I need air and you’re the only way I can breathe.
Let me remind you of my energy and how it enlighten your days when you used to love me.
I hope you never feel the way I did. Begging God to ease my chest pain, and waking me up with amnesia, hoping I forgot I ever knew your name. And I hope you never feel the emptiness eating you from inside and killing you while you still hope that the person will come and save you. And you did. You always came back. Picked me up together, just so you could throw me against the wall the very next second.
And yet… I would do everything all over again.
You gave me a lot, my precious.
But you took from me everything!
I gave you everything, and today I forgive you for all.
You can keep everything I had and you took from me,
Because now, I am better!
And despite everything, this is what you can’t have anymore!
I used to be happy that you would always come back,
until I finally realized, that the best part, is that,
there is no place in me for you to return to anymore…
Happy life, the little selfish man of my heart!
©Fiori Dalipi
