I never thought that the end would have come so fast and so bitter.
You know, I have never been “the crying one” , or “the one who begs”. You know me,it has never been hard for me to stand up and leave from a table where they serve me with disappointment instead of loyalty. I have never been scared to burn my bridges while standing on them, with no one -no matter how close to my heart they have been- when they took my love as my weakness.
But I never thought that one day I would have to burn our bridges.
I created every possible scenario of how this would end but never would have imagined that this was the way to go down.

You hurt.
After all of the feelings I have felt for you on the last times, the only one remaining to myself is Pain.
You hurt. You were my piece of soul. You were my dream. My only wish. You were the God to me.
Anytime I thought how perfection would look like, your image was the one appearing on my mind.
Pathetic!

Your best days are some of my worst.
Even the glasses of alcohol can’t make my mind numb anymore, cause the more I drink – the more silhouettes of yours I see.

I don’t know where to run. No place is dark enough so I can sit and hide my feelings.
I felt I touched the ground where I saw myself in the mirror and I couldn’t recognize it.

During the night while was trying to sleep, with the glass of whiskey standing by my bedside, I writhed in agony and with the tears gathered on my throat, I begged God to help me forget.

I don’t know how to tell that the pain this time was so much stronger than any other time but still , while I was screaming to God for help, I was praying for You to be well.

You were my human!
I felt your pain double. And your joy multiple times. Even this time I wanted to be there for you!
We shared everything. I accepted your feelings, your thoughts since the very first day. And never thought that while you were my person, I wasn’t yours.

Even when you hurt, I still hope you are happy. But I don’t know how to justify you this time.
I don’t know how to forgive you even though you never asked for it.
I don’t know how to forgive you, because you ruined for me all of the statues and pedestals I built for your image in my heart.
I have compared every single person to you and no one could even come close to what you were for me.
How to accept to myself, that all the castles I had were sandy ones?

You were my Achilles Heel. You were my chink in the armor. My weakest point.

And I have forbidden myself to cry for you even when all around me makes me miss you.
Every single day, when anything happens or when nothing happens at all, I wanna tell you.
You’re the first one I wanna share my day with but you’re not here anymore.
It has been a lot of days since the last time I heard your voice but every night in my head is still vivid.
There hasn’t been a minute that I haven’t missed you.

You made my fear come true. Because I will never think of love without thinking of you ever again. I don’t even know how to be myself anymore. Even worse, I think I will never be the same again. But you will not know. You won’t have how to know it. 

Cause I burned all the bridges. I made sure they became ashes so I will never find the way back to you.
Only God knows how many times I stopped myself from reaching the phone and dialing those 10 digits just to tell you that you still have me.
But now it isn’t  just me and you  and the unidentified X part of our equation. Situation is much more complex and no one has an explanation.

But I don’t know how to forget you. I don’t know how to let you go. I also don’t know how to forgive you.
I wanna run, far from you, far from myself and far away from all the memories you gave me.
I wanna come back to me, back to your arms because I don’t know different…

Forgive me, but when I can’t find you, or myself, or even God, can you tell whom to run to?

©️Fiori_Dalipi